So as we change from Pisces to Aries- a completely irrelevant fact but one that people still like to read into- so do I change from my twenties to my thirties. It has been a hectic few years, in some places a wasted few, but as a whole, life has been a fantastic experience that I wouldn’t like to change. The love, the laughs, the pain the anguish, the lust, the reinvention of the self and finally an actual physical, intellectual and spiritual attempt at becoming the author I have always meant to be.
As we go along you’ll discover more about me and my views on certain things and although I wanted to avoid politics, there is something that needs to be talked about that is quite alarming.
Whilst we were celebrating over the weekend, my friends and I had to split a bill eight ways at the restaurant. Shockingly, it dawned on me how many of us had to use credit cards to pay for that dinner. Six out of the eight sets of payments had to be placed on them! Now, this might not be such a big deal if we were part time or unemployed, the scary fact was that we all have full time jobs, the majority of the guys have jobs in the City, the financial sector and therefore are all on a fairly decent wage. But three –quarters of us had no money left at the end of the month to spend on a dinner so had to rely on the credit cards.
How can this be right? Fourteen fully employed professional 20-30 somethings, a mixture of married, long term partners and a couple of singles, all struggling to have any disposable income at the end of the month. It’s downright disgusting. Now as we’re told to tighten our belts and expect hard times, how can it be that working full-time, trying to save for the future- as we are advised too because there probably won’t be a state pension by the time I retire (if I get to retire) doing everything that the government says we should do, leaves us with having to deal with more debts?
Now I don’t know about the others, but in my case I have only gone out twice in March, the first weekend and the last weekend. I have no other external hobbies- luckily writing is a cheap one but with depressing hindsight, I can reveal that I have solely existed to work this month and have only socialised twice. How can it be that even with these 41 hour weeks, I still don’t have cash left at the end of the month? Where is the justice in this? I don’t even have a bloody mortgage!
I don’t want to rant about this too much (I do but it will get tedious for you) because it angers me that people gainfully employed are struggling like this. I have a few ideas that can fix it, such as property caps for private and commercial landlords, a fairer tax rate but I’ve talked politics enough, this blog isn’t supposed to be a political one. It’s supposed to be one of thinking outside of the box, investigating- or at the least commenting on- the darker, psychological, more mysterious side of life and the universe.
So on that account, let’s start with something slightly more interesting. Where do we get our inspiration from? How is it that I want to write disturbing things for entertainment and where does this inclination come from? What happened to me as a child/teen that makes me want to shock and scare others?
Let’s be clear, I’m no expert in psychology, though I have been around others who have been completely overwhelmed by anxiety or depression. I myself have had a few slumps, not to the same extreme but borderline breakdowns and I believe my will to shock comes from this. From the fact that I’ve always been a quietly spoken, polite individual who plays by societies rules of decency yet in complete contrast to this, there is a hellish beast inside me, a creature of pure chaos rippling through me that wants to tear it all down and start anew. Without an outlet for this, the beast, all consuming, will cause me to lash out at those closest to me. We all have this beast within us, and when we get to this age, around 30 something, without any ties to children and having followed the rules of work and society for over a decade we begin to question EVERYTHING. The beast begins to awaken.
Why do we need to go to work? Why does the world exist solely for the pursuit of wealth and luxury? Is this why drugs are banned as when one releases themselves to the chaos, they witness a different perception, or meaning of life? By stopping people taking drugs, does this prevent people being able to break free, escape from the grinding cogs or see through the fabricated veil of this bland, filtered existence? Perhaps this is why the fascists, racists, nationalists are on the rise.
They have to rebel against something, not that I approve at all with what vision they have, but they do have an alternate vision to the Hard work= Validated Existence = Wealth (maybe) form of slavery that governs this world. I just wished they got angrier at the mega rich than the poor immigrants, but hey ho- these are also the idiots who are persuaded by the World-Owners to attack those that can’t defend themselves, so we can’t really expect them to create a coherent argument without falling back upon their prejudiced rhetoric.
With this being said, there is a darkness in this world, under all of this work-to-live, live-to die philosophy that drives this world. That darkness is used for control. It is the institutionalised taming of the human beast. We are a destructive species, so maybe that’s not a terrible thing but that destruction in us has been channeled into benefiting the few in their limited lifetime, not to the benefit of Humankind for the long term. Whether these few World Slavers be the super-rich, Nazis that live in the centre of the Earth or Lizard beings from another planet (the most entertaining conspiracy theory I.M.H.O), there is something foul within this ideology- but even more depressing than that hierarchy is that we are willing slaves to it, offering very few practical alternatives to rampant Capitalism and Consumerism ideology.
Oh well that’s just great….. I got pseudo political again, maybe this is where I should end this blog so back to the initial question of why I want to write unpleasant things for entertainment, and here is my answer.
It is the only way I can productively release the suffering of the beast within that has been tamed and beaten into submission for thirty years of my life. To let it out in little doses and make some money to create myself a comfortable living from my own work without anyone else taking the merit for it seems like the only path I can take that is not restrictive or self-destructive. It is my compromise between the life I want to live and the life I have to live in this world.
To try and destroy either aspect of the mind, (submitting to the way of the world) or the soul (the screaming beast sick to death with the order of the world) would end up being disastrous. It is a duality in us, call it what you like- Anima and Animus, Social and Individual, Good and Evil, Light and Darkness- whatever! We are made up of a heart and a mind. Those who can switch off their heart can succeed in the minds domain, at the expense of their humanity- aspects such as compassion, where as those who switch off their mind gain freedom but lose any responsibility as to their actions and fail to make themselves accountable for their destructive tendencies that often hurt others more than they benefit themselves.
Anyway, as I said before, or at least strongly hinted at, I’m not a psychologist and I have fully simplified, incredibly complex ideas of the mind, personality psyche and ultimately glossed over what it is that makes us who we are, but the point still stands- something is sick with the state of the world and our relationship to it.
Horrors, thrillers, the sense of fear and anxiety are a good distraction from the hardships of the world, it is true, but only by confronting or embracing what we fear will we overcome it. You can only avoid it so far. Perhaps by embracing the ideas that don’t make much sense, the paranormal, the confusing and unknowable we will find ourselves in greater harmony to our earth and the universe as a whole, to help create a beautiful, inclusive world of the future. Not everything can be explained by science yet so let’s enjoy the chaos, the gaps in our understanding for as long as we can, it is what the vengeful beast lying dormant within all of us needs to prevent it from destroying us.
Don’t be held back by your fears lest your body and soul succumb to them.
Ash.
P.S- Yes, I admit this blog was ready a couple of weeks ago, I just needed some time to actually create the blog! Ciao guys.
